Desiring Companionship

So I went down the rabbit hole looking into the psychology of relationships. I watched video after video hoping to get insights into females; what they find attractive and what they are looking for in a potential partner. I found it fascinating, and found myself spending a little too much time in front of the screen 😓

Why? Well, I have a confession to make. As of this writing I have never been in a relationship and I have been an "adult" for several decades now 😶 (SIDE NOTE: You, the reader, will NEVER get my exact age unless you just happen to know 😝) I shared in my previous post about how I felt sad and lonely. Unfortunately, due to the loneliness, my desire for companionship had intensified lately and made me feel even worse 😫

In an article I read on Psychology Today, the need for COMPANIONSHIP/BELONGING is the number one universal relationship need for adults. This is followed by AFFECTION (verbal and physical) and then EMOTIONAL SUPPORT/VALIDATION.
For couples, these needs are ideally met in the partnership. Strong couples are able to be good companions (sharing their day to day lives, personal histories, and interests together), give verbal and physical affection (affirmations, hugs, sexual intimacy, compliments, etc), and provide emotional support (being there to help during tough times, validations when the person is struggling, etc).
Circumstances prevented me from getting into a relationship as a teenager. It was the time I was most open to something simply casual 🤔 However, after I graduated high school I was determined to carry myself as an adult and took dating very seriously 💘 Of course I needed to have accomplished the usual things, such as getting a college degree and then finding a good-paying job. But unless I saw potential for a long-lasting meaningful relationship with a girl, I would not bother dating 🙅

I did come across several girls that I wanted to get to know better, but in my early-adult years to now I did not feel adequate enough to take things further. Sometimes there were other reasons I kept my distance like they were already in a serious relationship, or I thought getting closer to the person was inappropriate. Whatever the excuse, the time flew by and I currently find myself in an unusual situation 😞

I write this because the thought crossed my mind the other day. "What if I never get married? What if I never get into a relationship, and never have kids? Could I possibly be okay with that?" It was a punch to the gut 👊 

As a Christian, I would like to think that I could declare that "God is enough!" I would say it out loud too, with my chest all puffed out and sounding all sure of myself. But... I hesitated. It took me way too long to say "Yes" and then confess it "out loud" in prayer. But... Honestly... My heart was not into it 🙊

I have had several opportunities to pursue a relationship over the years. There have been several girls who I noticed had a crush on me, and I was interested in them back. But for whatever reason nothing happened. I have my theories, but that is a whole book in and of itself. I was very confused by the experiences as I could not understand why things ended up the way they did, and would have liked to just be friends at the very least. The last girl I had a major crush on was the closest I got to getting into a relationship. We were talking and it looked like we were headed towards defining the relationship, but then it got complicated 💔

Getting over her was extremely difficult and painful. We were not formally in a relationship, but emotionally we might as well have been (like I said... complicated). Fortunately I was able to find closure and let go of my feelings for her. I still think about her, but mostly how she is doing and what she is up to. Nothing romantic. I will always feel like we had a special connection, and feel like it would be a shame to just let it go to waste.

Tying this back to the beginning of this post, I could not help but wonder when I will find "the one" lately. I am just a hopeless romantic looking for the special someone to love for the rest of my life 👫 Actually... I am just lonely and a bit desperate for companionship  

Ugh! 😣 That was sickening to admit. Yet very eye-opening 😲 One of the reasons things did not work out with my last crush was that I realized I did not love her. I confused my feelings for love when what I was really feeling was guilt. I unintentionally hurt her, and felt so bad I wanted to make it up to her somehow. Therefore the reason I am still thinking about her lately is not really out of curiosity, but more out of my loneliness. Deep down I am thinking of ways to excuse myself into pursuing her again to satisfy my longing for companionship. I am a self-centered jerk looking out for my own self-interests, and could have possibly took advantage of someone's feelings for me to fulfill it 🙈

Wow 😓 Thankfully this was revealed to me before anything could have happened 🙇 I really need to stay away from my last crush and give her all the space she needs to move on. As for myself, I am going to do some soul searching and meditate on what I should be doing to move onward myself 🙏

A toast to lost loves, getting over heartaches, and finding that special someone! Cheers 🍻

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Know Who You Are

That evening after sunset, many sick and demon-possessed people were brought to Jesus. The whole town gathered at the door to watch. So Jesus healed many people who were sick with various diseases, and he cast out many demons. But because the demons knew who he was, he did not allow them to speak. -Mark 1:32-34 NLT Why did Jesus not allow the demons to speak? I believe Luke 4:33-37 provides some insight.   Once when [Jesus] was in the synagogue, a man possessed by a demon - an evil spirit - began shouting at Jesus, "Go away! Why are you interfering with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are - the Holy One sent from God! " Jesus cut him short. " Be quiet !  Come out of the man ," he ordered. At that, the demon threw the man to the floor as the crowd watched; then it came out of him without hurting him further. Amazed, the people exclaimed, "What authority and power this man's words possess! Even evil spirits obey him, and the...
Read more

Upcoming Battle?

I have been having disturbing dreams lately 😣 I wish I could share what they were, but unfortunately do not remember them 😕 Fortunately I still remember what I dreamt last night, and it was not that disturbing 😌 The dream came across like an anime. At first things were normal, and I was hanging out with my friends. I seemed to be either in high school or college and going through the typical things students deal with. Then suddenly I either fell asleep, or willingly transported myself and my best friend into another place. It was in a spiritual realm and we were in a vast area that had multiple shelves full of books. There was another, more mature, person with us, and he was tasked to be like a guard. The three of us were soon joined by my girlfriend, and together we psyched ourselves up for an upcoming battle ⚔ In a separate area, there was another group preparing themselves too. It mirrored my own group as there was a main person, a more mature guard, two other males, and a female...
Read more

The Widow's Offering

Mark 12:41-44 NLT Jesus sat down near the collection box in the Temple and watched as the crowds dropped in their money. Many rich people put in large amounts.   Then a poor widow came and dropped in two small coins. Jesus called his disciples to him and said,  “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has given more than all the others who are making contributions.   For they gave a tiny part of their surplus, but she, poor as she is, has given everything she had to live on.” "For they gave a tiny  part of their surplus ..." How often do we give a tiny part of our surplus to others? Whenever I come across beggars I would like to give them a dollar to be a little generous. But see what I just said there? I said "a little  generous." It is like I am patting myself on the back for giving one dollar out the many dollars I have available.  How often do we do that with God? We may go to church, but that is only for a brief amount of time on a Sunday. The more devo...
Read more