My Bout With Depression

Last night I had a weird dream. In it I saw a family putting together a type of summer camp for teenagers. There was a head father-figure who ran the camp for several decades along with his two adult sons. This summer was going to be the one where the younger son was going to assume the most responsibility. He was going to have the final say in how everything operated. However, his older brother would constantly undermine him with the full support of their father.

Soon enough the younger son could not take it anymore and went away to be by himself in the middle of the lake. His wife was terrified as she was not told where he would be. She upsettingly confronted the father and older brother about him, telling them how depressed he was because they would not listen. He eventually returned to his family tearfully apologizing for his absence.

When I woke up I realized I was the younger son extremely frustrated at how people do not really listen to me nor try to understand where I am coming from. I have a unique perspective on things and wished people would meet me halfway at least. However, it feels like they are not interested in my opinions and only want me to stay in my place. After enduring this my whole life I fell into depression being unmotivated to be productive.

I have actually been severely depressed before. In high school I felt the overwhelming weight of responsibility on my shoulders and broke down. I was suicidal and even attempted to kill myself on two separate occasions. Somehow I could not go through with it, and thankfully got better. I then vowed never to get that depressed again, and ever since would stop myself from thinking about killing myself 😫

I am writing this on December 17, 2021. The past two years have been rough dealing with a pandemic, and not being able to support myself. I would often ask myself why I am not as independent as I know I can be. Why would employers not give me a fair chance to prove myself? Why do I lack companionship and am constantly lonely? Why do I feel so inadequate? It is no wonder I would find myself depressed.

To anyone who is reading this and you are struggling with depression, please seek help! You can do some research and take the necessary steps to get better. You can start with this article from Psychology Today. I highly recommend speaking with a professional therapist, or to people you highly trust. Take it from my first-hand experience; do not isolate yourself as it will only make it worse! Processing your thoughts is the best way to handle it.

Since I recognized that I was depressed lately, I asked others for prayer and support. I actually felt better and my spirits were up for the first time in months! I sang with renewed vigor and enthusiasm, and regained a positive perspective on my life. Now, as of this writing, I still need a job and want to become more independent. But I will not keep feeling sorry for myself and will diligently search for work. We always have the choice to stop being depressed and make the most out of our circumstances. We can always cling to hope.

Thank you for reading this 🙏
Daniel H. Kim

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