Trust In Leadership

Last October, I formally announced that I will no longer be a member of the church I had been attending. It was bittersweet as I had agonized over the decision for many months. I never felt comfortable there and only joined because God wanted me to. I did not understand why as I knew I would not find an authentic community there, but I still obeyed and starting attending services regularly at the beginning of 2013.

In December 2019 I learned that there were people in the congregation who did not understand why I sang the way I did. They seemed to complain to the pastor about it, but never confronted me directly. This deeply offended me, and made me want to walk away from the church immediately afterwards. However, I could not seem to make myself do so and tried to make things work out.

Unfortunately, COVID-19 broke out over the whole world and a lockdown was ordered by the Spring of 2020. I spent the next several months apart from the church, and honestly liked the time away. God drew closer to me, and had me grow spiritually like never before! Afterwards I agreed to join a small group Bible study in the Fall.

It was a nice Bible study, but it was towards the end of the study when God told me that I was allowed to no longer be a part of the church. The pastor admitted to me that he was disappointed, but graciously "accepted" it. Later on, before Christmas, I met up with him and told him I was open to coming back. I thought we had an understanding, and left the meeting feeling encouraged.

Another Bible study was going to start in February 2021. I signed up mainly to socialize. I had been attending another church, but they were not going to have any sort of small group anytime soon. The pastor and I ending up talking as he did not understand why I signed up in the first place. I explained myself, but was also confused as I thought he and I had an understanding just a month before. He explained how he took our prior conversation, and made me realize that we were not on the same page.

*SIGH*

After pondering it over afterwards, I realized why I finally decided to leave the church in the first place. I had volunteered to help out multiple times in 2019. However, the pastor would give me different excuses as to why I should not. I knew there was something else to it, but did not bother to confront him about it. I just took it as another sign that I did not belong there. But the trust between him and me was broken. Because I could no longer take him at his word, my faith in his leadership also declined.

If I cannot trust in the head leader, how am I supposed to serve in any sort of capacity? There is always going to be some tension within me. I would probably grow resentful, and it would  probably materialize into something very destructive. I still consider him a friend, but cannot submit to his authority under such negative conditions. 

Back in October 2020, God told me the reason He allowed me to leave was because I accomplished what He sent me there to do. I demonstrated what it truly meant to follow Him week in week out, month in month out, and year in year out. The congregation needed to see me do it over a course of a long period of time to be able to "get it" and eventually do it themselves. However, He also knew my distrust in the pastor would not lead to anything good. If I had stayed then something really bad would have eventually happened, and then I would leave under really bad terms.

Almighty God,
    Thank You for Your foresight, and grace that leads all things into good. My heart is a little heavy finally realizing my distrust in the pastor. He is a dear friend, and wished he was more honest with me in the first place. I understand why he did it, and wish him the best. Bless him as he leads the church this year and beyond. Bless his marriage, and please allow him and his wife to have a child soon. I pray for his wife to continue to stand by his side, and support him throughout it all. I better understand why You had me say good-bye to the church at the beginning of this year. I can see You preparing me for the next stage in my life, and how it will not be in Las Vegas. Be with Your people, and especially my father, when I do eventually leave. Thank You for blessing me during my time here. It has been difficult, and I wanted to leave so many times, but You were always with me through it all. Without You in my life, I would not have been able to survive. Please continue to be there throughout the various trials and difficulties.

Amen.

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